Relationship Agreement

Lovers' contracts are commonplace in the cold emptiness of space, but sometimes controlling females want to take things a step too far...

The following is a random table to determine just what kind of nonsense your significant other is forcing you to do (or not do, depending on the situation).

Roll 1d4-1 per female humanoid you're in a relationship with.

Great Feminine Expectations

1. You are NOT to have a single girl's comm-number.
2. You are NOT to follow any girls on any social media (including Insta-slam, Snatch-chat, and Twit'ter).
3. You are NOT to hang out with Keegan (including his starship or anywhere public).
4. You are NOT to go to Alpha Blue without me.
5. You are NOT to hang out with your friends more than two times per standard week.
6. You are NOT to look at a single girl.
7. If girls come up to you at any place or anytime you are to WALK away.
8. Moz is to NOT hang out with us every time we hang out.
9. You are NOT to ask for a blowjob.
10. You are NOT to get mad at me about a single thing ever again.
11. You are NOT to bring up Tyler, Noah, Deven, or Josh ever again.
12. You are NOT allowed to drink unless I am with you.
13. I am allowed to do a comm check when EVER I please.
14. If we move in, there are NEVER to be girls at our house.
15. If we move in together your friends will RARELY be allowed over.
16. If I catch you around girls I kill you.
17. You are NOT to ditch me for your friends.
19. You are NOT allowed to spend more than 15 credits on any meal unless we're together.
20. We are to go on a legit date once every two standard weeks at least.
21. If I say jump, you say “How high, princess?”
22. You are to make sure you tell me you love me once per standard day at least so I know you’re not messing around.
23. You are to NEVER take longer than 10 mins to text me back.
24. You are never allowed to comment on what a girl is wearing (or not wearing).
25. You must massage my back EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
26. Sex-bots, love-droids, and replicant sluts are forbidden to you!
27. Every standard day, you'll give me at least 100 credits spending money.
28. If someone says something offensive to me in public, you must kick their ass... or get your ass kicked trying.
29. Your blue balls are NOT my problem - go jerk off in the bathroom!
30. Once per standard month you must buy me something pretty AND EXPENSIVE to show me you care.
31. You are NOT allowed to buy new dice just because you see cool new ones online.
32. You will NOT roleplay for more than three standard hours per standard month.
33. You will be required to wear matching or themed outfits when we're together and occasionally even when we're apart.
34. You will go down on me at least twice per standard week.
35. You are NOT allowed to play your space bongos (1-3) or star keytar (4-6), unless you're writing a song about me.
36. It's ALWAYS your turn to empty out the cat litter.
37. It's ALWAYS your turn to cook dinner.
38. It's ALWAYS your turn to clean the dishes.
39. If you leave the toilet seat up, I'll cut your balls!
40. Do the laundry? Nah, even in the future, laundry is considered "women's work."
41. You're expected to call anytime you're out past 10pm space standard time.
42. The meaning behind life, the universe, and everything is ME!
43. EVERY TIME I ask you if I look fat, you will tell me "NO!!!"
44. NEVER question my deep spirituality - I do yoga once per standard week.
45. We must get matching tattoos... 1) unicorns, 2) hearts, 3) names of possible future children, or 4) Grabba the Butt's social security number - just in case!
46. You must believe ALL women!
47. You must disavow Supreme Justice of the Federation Beer'kan Au Revoir because he may have tried to have sex with a girl when he was a teenager.
48. When ANYONE asks you what your favorite movie is - you have to say "The Last Zedi."
49. When I have my space period, you will go buy me tampons.
50. You will NEVER airlock any of my friends they're on your ship.
51. I can decorate your starship any way that I please. Pink lace doilies!
52. If my ex shows up, you MUST kick his (1-3) or her (4-6) ass!
53. If we run out of lube, it's your job to go buy more at the nearest sex shop.
54. When I'm performing lewd acts in public, you're always my designated look-out (unless you're performing with me).
55. If I want to experiment with other girls, you can watch but you can't touch!
56. If we have a threesome with another girl, you will not fuck her!
57. I know my birthday falls on a holiday, but I still require TWO CARDS - one for the holiday and a second card just for my b-day!
58. If you get a Doctor Zaius limited edition figurine stuck up your butt, that's totally your problem!
59. I expect public displays of affection when we go out together!
60. Your RPG forum must ban all support of Supreme Chancellor Trump.
61. Everyone who does NOT share my political views must be put into death-camps!
62. You must assist me in dying my hair blue (1-2), purple (3-4), or pink (5-6) every fortnight.
63. Nothing, she couldn't think of anything in the moment.
64. You can't wear black - it's the color of space, and I HATE space!
65. No fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror in the cockpit!
66. No portals after 9pm!
67. My mother is going to stay with us for at least two standard months.
68. You can't fly any faster than time-distort 3... it's too dangerous!
69. At least once a standard week you have to put on a wig, makeup, boob-inserts, and pretend to be a woman while we have sex.
70. You are NEVER to look up porn star Haley Starstorm on the Pornography Database. You will NOT notice our uncanny similarity. Maybe she's a clone or twin sister or it's just a coincidence.
71. You no longer get to watch porn. Your entire porn collection is getting thrown out tomorrow, unless you remove it from our house today.
72. - 99. "Just don't cheat on me, okay?"
100. "Okay, you can cheat - just wear a condom. I don't want you giving me an STD or knocking up some trashy whore."


What's The Punishment?

Breaking a rule of the relationship agreement can have dire consequences, let's see what'll happen if you transgress...

1. She will castrate you.
2. She will kill you.
3. She will either sell or destroy your possessions.
4. No sex for you!
5. She'll cheat on you.
6. She'll give you the silent treatment (is this really a punishment?)
7. Nothing this time... that was your last warning, apparently.
8. Nothing, she was bluffing.


There it is. Not a pleasant picture is it? Well, relationships are tough - especially when you're with a crazy ass bitch. Best of luck, spacers!

The original inspiration for this random table came from here.

Not familiar with my sleazy scifi RPG Alpha Blue? Then check out the Kort'thalis Publishing catalog!


Authored by Venger Satanis


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